If I’ve learned one thing about myself the last few years it’s that I am heavily goal oriented. In every aspect of life I need to constantly have something I’m working towards. Something on the horizon. If I don’t have that to keep me grounded things get loose.

I used to think this was just at a conscious planning level. Meaning I sit down, figure out what I want to do and then act accordingly. In the last years I’ve come to realize I do this subconsciously. I’m all the time creating little side projects, small objectives, one to two months out, with larger goals in the back of them, almost as a reflex. I can be in the middle of something and ask myself "why am I doing this?" and it’s only then my conscious mind becomes aware of the underlying goal attached. I suppose this is just how I’m wired.

When things are plodding along and I can consciously relate my actions to a long term goal I feel calm, energized and generally "mentally" healthy. I feel in control.  I don’t think I’m unique in this at all.

When things are plodding along WITHOUT my knowledge of where I’ll end up I feel physically ill. I get a pit in my stomach. My mind races. I can’t sleep. I get up early and go to bed late. I get up at night and think. I feel like I’m shaking apart. Here’s where I think I’m a little nuts.

Some people can be comfortable with ambiguity. Can trust in the process. Give up a certain amount of control and just "go with it". For me this is very hard.

Knowing oneself is key. I feel like I can recognize the symptoms of my own dementia (to a degree) and can now tie it back to a root cause. The next step is always more challenging; changing the cause.